* I was talking to my friend and I asked what books he reads? He said, “I read magazines, National Geographic and Playboy.” I asked why he reads such two different magazines?
He replied “They are both the same. Both have beautiful photos and fold outs of places I will never visit!”
*The Farmer had the Preacher come to visit his farm. During the visit, the Preacher said “God sure has blessed you with this rich, lush farm. Your corn is as high as a Giraffe’s eye. Your fields are beautiful with crops.” The Farmer said “Yes, but you should have seen it when He had it all to Himself.”
*Go to a store microphone and announce your own specials!
*Get even with a person you are mad at by putting his telephone number on a 3×5 card on a store Bulletin Board saying you are selling a brand new car for $200. “Must call between 2 and 5 a.m.
*Stress happens when your husband during sex yells out “Joan, Oh, Joan, Oh, Joan!!” and your name is Sylvia.
*It can be so embarrassing when the Doctor says, “Please remove all your clothes.” And when you ask, “where do I put them?”, he replies “right here next to mine.”
*The Preacher opened his sermon by saying, “God has a great sense of humor. Just look around this room.”
*Seat belts should be outlawed. Instead, car companies should make seats out of Velcro.
*There should be a warning label on the last 10 feet of toilet paper.
*I go to both Mass and the Synagogue. I don’t want to miss Heaven on a technicality.
*A woman was sitting with an empty seat next to her at a ballgame. A man asked her where was the person who was supposed to sit in the seat?
She answered “Oh, it’s my husband’s seat but he died.” The man asked why she didn’t invite a friend? She said, “I tried, but they are all going to the funeral.”
