1. I look at people and sometimes think…”really? That’s the sperm that won?”
2. I’ve decided I’m not old; I’m 25… plus shipping and handling.
3. I thought getting older would take longer.
4. Instead of “single” as a marital status, I prefer “independently owned and operated.”
5. Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
6. Some things are just better left unsaid. And I usually realize it right after I say them.
Are You Ready For Some Football? Once again, in honor of Publisher Dan’s long time absurd devotion to his New York Giants (and that goes for our Las Vegas Raiders readers – as well as other football fans – just fill in your favorite team) I ask you to consider the following:
Q: What do the NY Giants and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Q: What did the NY Giants and the late Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ!”
Q: What is the difference between a NY Giants’ fan (like Dan) and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after a while.
And my favorite: All of the Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day when they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following behind, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to her fallen comrades.
From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “The New York Giants are Super Bowl contenders.” Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God! At least Dopey survived!”
And finally: If my body is ever found on a jogging trail just know that I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.
