Pecking Order
Recently, I’ve been giving a good deal of thought to kissing. Not the romantic, erotic “French” kiss, but the less passionate and tongueless social kiss.
I’m certain the focus of this mental energy was triggered by our anticipated return to Florida at the end of October. Once there, we will engage in a series of reunions with friends and acquaintances whom we haven’t seen in five months.
The verbal greeting of “Hi! How are you? You look great, considering what you’ve been through,” will inevitably be followed by some version of lips-to-body part contact.
This is expected. But is it always desired? How do I really know if the soon-to-be recipient of this somewhat invasive gesture really wants my magnanimous hello kiss, or is she worried that I haven’t had my flu shot? If so, would a simple knuckle-bump suffice?
To paraphrase a quote from another obsessed individual: to kiss or not to kiss, that is the question. Moving the soliloquy along, let’s assume we agree to accept social kissing as a cultural norm. This solves one dilemma but raises a slew of others.
For example, whom does one kiss? Is there a familiarity factor? How well should you know someone before it’s OK to engage in lip-to-face contact?
Should kissing be reserved for someone you’ve known for a while, or is a kiss anticipated even if I just met you last week? If I saw you yesterday, and we meet again today, is it cool to skip the kiss ritual? Surely there must be rules.
Then there’s the question of where to plant the kiss. There’s the full-on-the-cheek kiss. The corner-of-the-mouth kiss. The closed-mouth lip-to-lip kiss. And do both parties get a say in the matter?
How many kisses are appropriate? Depending on your cultural preference, there are single kisses, double kisses, triple kisses, even quadruple kisses. But when it comes to four, this kissing thing might just be getting out of hand!
But if you follow the double or triple kiss protocol, where does one begin? Where do you plant the first kiss, right cheek or left? From what I’ve gleaned from the kissing literature, the right cheek should come first. Who knew?
What about mwah-mwah air kisses?
Are they still considered disingenuous, reserved primarily for use by celebrities? Do they always come in twos? And if so, do they follow the multiple kiss rule of beginning with the right cheek?
Then there’s hugging. Can hugging stand on its own as a kiss substitute, or does a mere hug not convey sufficient gladness on the occasion of the reunion? And if a hug accompanies a kiss, will that be regarded as entirely too intimate?
And what happens when we say goodbye? Must we deal with these decisions all over again?
While all these issues of appropriate human contact might be confusing, be glad you’re not a dog. The canine greeting ritual involves walking circles around each other and engaging nose to rear, as they sniff each other’s butts.
Therefore, I’ll take my chances with the social kiss. Even if I get it wrong.
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