Husbands in Cars Going to Costco
(With Apologies to Jerry Seinfeld)
(With Apologies to Jerry Seinfeld)It is common wisdom that men don’t like to shop. In fact, a British survey found that men got bored after twenty minutes, while women could go for a full two hours.
In contradiction to this fact, however, my husband has developed a timeless enthusiasm for browsing and purchasing. He’s like an explorer who has discovered a new world. And this new world is called “Costco.”
I’m ready to accept the blame for the three dozen pairs of socks spilling out of his dresser drawer, and the 64 oz. jar of mayonnaise in the pantry. I was the one who originally joined, though I can’t remember why.
His co-membership card sat unused in his wallet for many years. Until he finally admitted that we both could benefit if only he would get fitted for hearing aids. Reading somewhere that Costco offered good quality less-expensive hearing aids than their competitors, he withdrew the card from his wallet and stepped into a magical kingdom.
I knew I was in trouble when he returned from his first hearing test carrying the tallest bottle of vodka I had ever seen. “Are we entertaining the Russian Embassy?” I asked.
He was unfazed by my sarcasm and responded triumphantly. “Do you know what I paid for this? It was such a bargain!”
On the next trip to Costco for the hearing aid fitting, my honey discovered the nurturing side of the cavernous warehouse. This was revealed to him as he ate his way through the store, tasting food samples of every variety, culminating with the best hot dog with all the trimmings that he had ever eaten.
This and a bottomless cup of soda for only $1.59! I did manage to talk him out of returning there for dinner.
Rushing home after his hearing aid adjustment trip, he couldn’t wait to tell me about his latest find. Costco sold books! Tables and tables of books. Best sellers at excellent prices.
Better call the carpenter. We will definitely need more shelves!
More trips, more discoveries. The barbecued chicken he brought home for dinner looked like a GMO experiment gone haywire. I didn’t know chickens grew that big. This was followed by containers of additional food items enough to cater a wedding.
“Like these pants?” he asked. “Costco. Next time I go, I’ll get a few more pair.”
Like a true disciple, he felt it a duty to spread the gospel. He directed several friends to Costco’s hearing aid department and in doing so, has exposed them to the bounty therein.
It’s not unusual to overhear a conversation between my husband and one of his cronies, as they fondle a giant-sized bottle of scotch and discuss how much more it would cost if they had shopped retail.
So move over to the slow lane, Seinfeld. Coffee can wait because husbands in cars going to Costco will not be stopped!
