I have written about this subject before, but I found an updated version.
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open and blow down straw.
9. Check pill label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take the taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Find screwdriver and put cupboard door back on hinges. Locate bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink.
12. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by two pints of water.
13. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room where the doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
How To Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
