Humiliation

Jim McDevitt

By: Jim McDevitt

It’s another hot day nearing 103 degrees as I drive off the mountain where we live to appointments in the valley fifty four miles away. My wife has a doctor’s appointment at 9:30 in the morning and while she’s seeing the doctor I will get my Honda Accord smog inspection done so I can reregister my car for the next year.  

Everything goes like clockwork. My car passes inspection and my wife is just finishing up at the doctor when I return to pick her up. Life is good. 

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For two weeks I have only been wearing one hearing aid because the one for my right ear had to be sent back to the manufacturer. Today at 1:30, I have an appointment to pick up the new hearing aid. I have to see the hearing aid specialist because they have to synchronize the new one with the one I’m wearing.
    
We decide to do some shopping before going to lunch. By the time we check out with our cart from the supermarket it’s after 12:30 and we just have time to grab a quick bite to eat and rush to my appointment.  

We have lunch in a place called In & Out Burger. I get the special and my wife gets another special. Each special comes with a nice large cold soda which is great because outside it’s now 106 degrees.  

We gobble up our food and take our large drinks with us because we are rushing. Before we leave, I refill my drink to the very top because I will put it to good use in this heat.  

We get in the car and it has to be 150 degrees inside because it was just sitting in the sun with the windows shut while we ate.
    
I look at my watch and I have twenty minutes to get on the highway and drive two exits and then about ten blocks to my appointment. I sip on the large soda as I drive and return it to rest in the holder between the seats as I accelerate onto the highway.  

I’m making good time and before you know it I am only a mile from my exit. I reach down as I watch traffic and grab the soda.  

That’s when disaster hits. The soda slips out of my hand and falls onto my crotch.  

The contents spill out all over the crotch area of my summer shorts. Anyone who sees me now is going to assume I had an accident (which I did) - but they will also assume I wet my pants because I didn’t make it to the bathroom in time.
    
My wife almost wets her pants because she is laughing so hard she is doubled over in the front seat.  In ten minutes I have to be at the hearing aid center and I will be there in my wet pants.  
I’m seventy-five years old. Who is going to believe I spilled a soda on myself?

I tell my wife to turn off the air conditioner and turn the heater on full blast while I watch the road. Now is not the time for an auto accident.  I live to far away to reschedule my appointment.  

We arrive at my appointment with three minutes to spare. My wife says she will go in with me and verify my story because it’s way too warm to sit in the car - and she wants to see if the hearing aid lady will believe it.