Editor’s Note: Bill been asked by numerous readers to replay the following for your amusement. Complain all you want about our soon-to-be unbearable heat; but it is still better than shoveling snow in sub-zero temperatures and arctic wind chills.
June 15: Just moved here from Las Vegas. No more Vegas heat! We’re going to love living here.
December 8: The first snow of the season and the wife and I sat for hours by the window watching the soft flakes drift down. So romantic, I love snow!
December 9: We awoke to a beautiful white blanket. What a fantastic sight! Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalk.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalk and driveway, so I had to shovel again.
December 12: The sun melted all the snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry – we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. He’s such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14: Lovely 8 inches of snow! The temperature dropped to 12. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff, however.
December 15: More snow forecast. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity’s back on but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day.
The damn snowplow came by twice. Neighbor says I have to shovel, or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
December 22: 9 more inches of the stuff fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August. Tried to hire my neighbor who now has a plow on his truck, but he says he’s too busy. Now I know he’s lying. Beginning not to like him.
December 23: “Only 2 inches” of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did, but I think she’s also lying.
December 24: 6 inches and the snow now packed so hard by the snowplow; I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the SOB who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents…but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25: Merry freakin’ Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight – snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? She’s really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him. He only charged me $4,400 to replace the pipes.
December 29: 10 more inches. My lying neighbor told me I have to shovel the roof, or it could cave in. How dumb does he think I am? God, I hate him.
December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother who lives in Sun City. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31: I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling. Anybody know a good lawyer?
